Annie Oakley (episode)/Transcript

Truck convoy on a road

MAN: (UNIDENTIFIED) Any minute, now.

MAN: (UNIDENTIFIED) All set.

VOICE: [ON WALKIE TALKIE] The cargo's on schedule.

STERN: Ready? All right, hit it.

[EXPLOSION]

[GUNFIRE]

STERN: Come on, get that lock off. We ain't got all night.

STERN: Let's move it, guys.

SLADE: Karl, what's going on here? Now, this wasn't part of the plan. Hey, level with me, buddy.

STERN: Don't concern yourseIf.

SLADE: Hey, I thought we were partners, Karl.

STERN: Partners? Dennis, you're hired help. $100,000 for a few minutes work. No questions.

SLADE: Yeah, but you forgot to mention the size of this escort. This deal is a whole lot bigger that you led on. I think we just may have to renegotiate.

STERN: Don't get greedy, Slade. You take your $ 100,000 and spend it in good health. Now, move it.

At a test range

[LASER FIRES. HOUSE EXPLODES.]

[LASER FIRES AGAIN. BRIDGE EXPLODES. MORE EXPLOSIONS.]

STERN: All right, pack it up. Well, Leo, what do you think?

LEO: I think, how much?

STERN: Gee, Leo, a big-time arms broker like you ought to know what something like this is worth. But, since I'm not a greedy man, let's say $10 million.

LEO: I usually get 10% to arrange the transaction.

STERN: They'll have to pay your share.

LEO: You know, Karl, when a weapon like this is stolen, the border slam shuts in a hurry. You'll be expected to deliver to an Eastern Bloc country if you want your money.

STERN: I'm aware of that. Don't worry. I'll get it out of the country.

LEO: If you can, there's a good chance I can make a deal. I'll be in touch.

STERN: Drive carefully, Leo.

SLADE: Karl, we gotta talk. That is really advanced...

STERN: Eavesdropping can be a very dangerous hobby, Slade.

SLADE: $10 million and you're offering me a measly $100,000? I'm not gonna let that happen.

STERN: So, what are you gonna do? Go to the cops?

SLADE: What, and take the rap for murdering those two guards? No way.

STERN: I'm gonna give you a bit of free advice, Slade. You're playing in the big leagues now. You start going around making idle threats, somebody's gonna hand you your head. Got it?

Hawke's cabin

KIKI: Look, enough already. All you need is this and a pair or swimming trunks. Sometimes less.

HAWKE: Sounds like my kind of place.

[HELICOPTER APPROACHES.]

KIKI: What's the matter?

HAWKE: Uh, nothing really. Let's get going. Now.

HAWKE: No. No, Michael, no.

HAWKE: They answer is absolutely, "No, not!"

ARCHANGEL: Hawke, I'm glad I caught you.

HAWKE: You didn't catch me, Michael.

HAWKE: I've got five days off, and I'm on my way to north shore of Oahu.

ARCHANGEL: Oahu, huh? Whatever gave you that idea? I'm Michael Coldsmith-Briggs.

KIKI: Kiki Tanabe.

ARCHANGEL: Kiki, Hawke and I need to talk.

HAWKE: No, we don't.

ARCHANGEL: Could you excuse us for just a couple of minutes, please?

HAWKE: Uh, Kiki, would you mind waiting on the front porch just for a minute?

KIKI: Okay, but, remember, I have to meet the rest of the flight crew in 45 minutes.

HAWKE: Just a second, honey.

ARCHANGEL: Stewardess, huh? I must start flying commercial more often.

ARCHANGEL: You're aware of the Firm's laser weapons research?

HAWKE: Vaguely. Some ray guns, proton blasters, stuff like that.

ARCHANGEL: Yeah, well, embarrassingly, we're missing one.

HAWKE: What's this "we" stuff, Michael? Don't you mean that you guys are missing one?

ARCHANGEL: Twenty-four hours ago, the Mongoose, an electron beam laser weapon, was stolen by parties unknown while it was in transit to our secret testing site. I needn't tell you all hell is coming down. Starting with the president himseIf.

HAWKE: High priority, huh?

ARCHANGEL: A man called this morning, who was part of the heist. He offered us the name of the individual who has the Mongoose in exchange for one million dollars.

HAWKE: So pay him. A million bucks is pocket change to you guys.

ARCHANGEL: Oh, we intend to. It's the how that's a little bit tricky. That's why I need you. We're supposed to send our bag man to the stunt men's tryouts at Old Silver City.

HAWKE: Tryouts?

ARCHANGEL: Yeah. It's a touring Wild West Show. They start tomorrow. You can take Dominic and Caitlin, too, if you think they'll be of any help to you.

ARCHANGEL: You all work around stunt people all the time, you know the lingo. If anyone recognizes you, it'll look 100% legitimate.

HAWKE: I'll tell you something. We do aerial stunts, not cowboy stuff. Doesn't the Firm have some buckaroo on the payroll?

ARCHANGEL: No, we don't.

ARCHANGEL: Come on, I know you can ride a horse. You can fake the rest of it until you make the payroll.

HAWKE: How am I supposed to find this guy, anyway?

ARCHANGEL: He says he'll find you. So? Are we set?

HAWKE: No, no. Michael, I'm sorry.

Silver City

ANNOUNCER: (COULD BE BARKER) Of course, Silver City has, in the past, been a favorite location of numerous movie and television westerns.

ANNOUNCER: We are pleased again this year to be hosting the stuntmen's auditions...

HAWKE: This looks like the place.

ANNOUNCER: ...for Annie Oakley's Wild West Showw. It's an exciting day, folks. So be ready for action at any time.

VILLAIN: Who's that lowdown varmint who claims she's Annie Oakley?

ANNOUNCER: Looks like wwe might have some trouble, folks. But there's no need to panic. Annie can take care of this sidewwinder.

ANNIE: You calling me out?

VILLAIN: I'm calling you a sneaking coward who don't deserve to be called an Oakley. Annie Oakley was the best shot there ever was! And you're a fake!

ANNIE: Maybe you'd like to try me.

VILLAIN: It's your funeral, lady.

ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh, folks, watch yourselves. They're fixing to tussle.

[PISTOL SHOTS.]

VILLAIN: I surrender! Please, Annie, I give up!

[MORE PISTOL SHOTS.]

VILLAIN: Okay! I'm just... You're Annie! You're Annie! You're the best, Annie! You win! Help!

ANNOUNCER: There she is, ladies and gentlemen, the greatest pistol shot in the world, the new Annie Oakley, queen of Annie Oakley's Wild West Show.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you for your attention. And let's give a final hand to Annie Oakley!

CAITLIN: Well, looks like Miss Fancy-Pants is running the show here. Think she's connected?

HAWKE: Oh, she's connected, all right. Well-connected. I guess I'll mosey on over and see if I can get us a tryout.

CAITLIN: Mosey? You hear him, Dom? You give a guy a cowboy hat and a pair of boots, and he thinks he's Gary Cooper.

REX: Mom, that was great!

ANNIE: You thought that was pretty good, huh?

REX: Sure, Mom, you're the best.

ANNIE: Oh, thanks, honey. I can count on you.

HAWKE: Excuse me, ma'am.

ANNIE: Yeah?

HAWKE: My friends and I just arrived. We're kind of looking to see if we can get a tryout.

ANNIE: Well, are you experienced stunt people?

HAWKE: Yes, ma'am.

ANNIE: What are your specialties?

HAWKE: Well, Caitlin, there, she can ride just about anything you can find a place to set her on it. Dom, he used to double Yakima Canutt.

REX: Horse pucky!

ANNIE: Rex.

REX: Mom, everybody knows Yakima Canutt was the greatest stunt man ever, and no one doubled him.

ANNIE: But that doesn't give you any excuse to use language like that.

HAWKE: Fine-looking boy.

Actually, it took us a lot of work to get him to say "pucky." Now, you were telling me about your background.

HAWKE: MyseIf? Well, I can ride it, rope it, fall it down, and if it steps on me, I can cut its throat and eat it raw.

ANNIE: Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Hawke, we don't have any room for you today, but we could give you a tryout tomorrow.

HAWKE: That'd be fine with me.

SLADE: Say, didn't we work on a little feature down in Mexico?

HAWKE: Something called Death of the Mongoose? Maybe, for that Firm Deal Productions?

SLADE: That's right. It's good to see you again. Listen, why don't you fill this thing out and bring it back with you tomorrow.

HAWKE: Thank you, ma'am.

ANNIE: It's my pleasure. I just hope you're haIf as good as your sales pitch.

CAITLIN: How'd you do? I got us a tryout.

DOMINIC: Oh, my aching back. You mean... We're gonna be up haIf the night practicing.

HAWKE: Well, not really. I, uh, found our snitch.

That evening at the barn

SLADE: You here?

[HAY HOOK DROPS ON HIM.]

Outide, later

HAWKE: Find out anything?

DOMINIC: Yeah, the Deputy Sheriff said it looks like an accident. That Slade was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

c/I worked the crowd. Nobody seems to have seen anything. The stuntmen said Slade was neither particularly liked nor disliked.

HAWKE: I know what it looks like, but... I don't know. But it just doesn't seem like an accident to me.

At a rendezvous with Archangel

ARCHANGEL: What happened?

HAWKE: Your man got hit by a four-pronged hay hook. That's what happened.

ARCHANGEL: And you didn't get to talk to him?

HAWKE: No.

ARCHANGEL: Damn it, Hawke! The president himseIf called the old man today. They want the Mongoose back, or in 1000 little pieces, whichever can happen first.

HAWKE: What do you want me to do, Michael? I got sent here to bird-dog some snitch who all of a sudden is not talking at all.

ARCHANGEL: Sorry. Running into stone walls makes me a little cranky.

ARCHANGEL: Besides, I got a feeling the Mongoose is here somewhere.

HAWKE: That could be. But you know, I wouldn't know it if they served it to me for breakfast.

ARCHANGEL: I'll get you a sketch and the specs on the weapon. Lydia here, will deliver it tomorrow. Anything else you need?

HAWKE: What about the woman?

LYDIA: Her real name is Louise Mackey. She's an army brat. Her father taught her how to shoot. He was on the Army's pistol team.

HAWKE: Any financial problems?

ARCHANGEL: Not really. She's not getting rich, but she's making it.

HAWKE: What about personal?

ARCHANGEL: No serious relationship at the moment. One previous marriage that didn't last very long, but resulted in a son, Rex. Lives with her parents while she's on the road.

ARCHANGEL: For the past year, she's been involved in a custody battle with her ex-husband, a man named Stern. We're checking on him right now. Other than that...

HAWKE: So you want us to stay here, nose around and see what we can find out, right?

ARCHANGEL: Yeah. Right now, you're the only chance we've got.

In a workshop

STERN: I can't afford any mistakes, Larson. Are you sure it's the right size?

LARSON: No sweat.

STERN: You do nice work. It'll be ready by tomorrow?.

LARSON: Yes, sir.

STERN: Fine. Then we'll proceed just as planned.

Next morning at Silver City

ANNOUNCER: And here she comes. How about that, folks? Caitlin O'Shaughnessy, doing a pony express!

CAITLIN: How'd I do?

ANNIE: Well, a little too good. I'd better look out, or you'll have my job.

CAITLIN: Thanks.

ANNOUNCER: Look out, folks, there's trouble on the saloon roof. The sheriff has finally caught up with the Kid.

ANNOUNCER: Better get your cameras ready, folks.

HAWKE: All right, Kid, you're under arrest.

ANNOUNCER: Watch it, Sheriff!

ANNOUNCER: Oh, what a fight! He's getting awfully close to the edge!

DOMINIC: String? String? String!

DOMINIC: Are you all right?

HAWKE: Dom, remember, it was left, left, right!

DOMINIC: Sorry, String. I blew it.

ANNOUNCER: How about that high and hard fall, folks? You'll never see better.

ANNOUNCER: That was Stringfellow Hawke and Dominic Santini. Take a bow, Dominic. Thank you, thank you! Let's give them a big applause, folks. Folks, we're nearly to the end of today's schedule.

ANNIE: Are you all right?

HAWKE: Yes, ma'am, I'm fine.

ANNIE: I have got to tell you, that was the best fall I've seen in a long time. You looked totally out of control.

HAWKE: Well, that's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?

ANNIE: Congratulations. Very realistic.

DOMINIC: Thank you, ma'am. You know what they say. Practice makes perfect.

ANNIE: The blood's a nice touch, too. It almost looks real.

HAWKE: Yeah, that's the good stuff. I make it myseIf.

REX: Beauty, Mr. Hawke.

ANNIE: You know, I'd sure like to use you guys, but we don't usually have a high-fall set with the traveling show.

ANNIE: But didn't you list automatic weapons as one of your specialties?

HAWKE: Well, yes, I've had my hands on a few, a time or two.

ANNIE: Do you think you could handle a Gatling gun?

DOMINIC: Handle it? Why, he can lay down a field of fire and make it whistle Dixie while he's doing it.

ANNIE: That's great. I've been working on a routine where I shoot against a Gatling gun. Why don't we give it a try after lunch?

HAWKE: That'd be fine by me.

ANNIE: All right. I'd better get the show back on the road, though. I got to keep 'em hopping. Come on, partner. Congratulations.

DOMINIC: Well, I thought everything worked out real fine, huh? The crowd loved us.

HAWKE: `Yeah, maybe I should have broken my neck for real. We might've been the hit of the show.

DOMINIC: Aw, String.

Outside Silver City

STERN: So do we have a deal? What happened?

LEO: Their eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning. You've got it. $10 million on delivery. They want to know when and where they can take it.

STERN: I plan on having the weapon in East Berlin in about two weeks.

LEO: Excellent. Listen, Karl, they want this weapon at any cost. If you run into trouble, call me at this number. I usually don't get involved, but I'll make an exception in this case. I got connections in Mexico. I can arrange for you to take the weapon across the border, and from there into Cuba. Remember, if anything goes wrong...

STERN: Right. I'll call you.

In a desert somewhere

(laser shot and explosions. Laughter.)

Stern: All right, pack it up. Well Leo, what do you think?

Leo: I think how much.

Stern: Gee, Leo, a big time arms broker like you ought to know what something like this is worth? But since I'm not a greedy man, let's say, ah, ten million dollars.

Leo: I usually get ten percent to arrange the transaction.

Stern: They'll have to pay your share.

Leo: You know, Karl, when a weapon like this is stolen, borders slam shut in a hurry. You'll be expected to deliver to an Eastern Bloc country if you want your money.

Stern: I'm aware of that. Don't worry. I'll get it out of the country.

Leo: If you can, there's a good chance I can make a deal. I'll be in touch.

Stern: Drive carefully Leo.

Slade: Karl, we got to talk. I just heard what....

Stern: Eavesdropping can be a very dangerous hobby, Slade.

Slade: Ten million dollars? And you're offering me a measly hundred thou? I'm not going to let that happen.

Stern: So what are you going to do? Go to the cops?

Slade: What, take the rap for murdering those two guards? No way.

Stern: I'm going to give you a bit of free advice, Slade. You're playing in the big leagues now. You go around making idle threats, somebody is going to hand you your head. Got it?

Hawke's cabin

Kiki: Look, enough already. All you need is this and a pair of swim trunks. Sometimes less....

Hawke: Sounds like my kind of place.

(helicopter approaching)

Kiki: What's the matter?

Hawke: Er, nothing really. Let's get going. Now!

Hawke: No. No, Michael, no. The answer is absolutely no, not.

Archangel: Hawke, I'm glad I caught you.

Hawke: You didn't catch me, Michael. I've got five days off, I'm on my way to the north shore of Oahu.

Archangel: Oahu, huh? Whatever gave you that idea. I'm Michael Coldsmith-Briggs.

Kiki: Kiki Tanabi.

Archangel: Kiki. Hawke and I need to talk.

Hawke: No we don't.

Archangel: Could you excuse us for just a couple of minutes. Please.